“As the sun began to rise I felt cold and pale, as the warmth of a modestly spectacular sunrise spread around. As the sun peaked through the horizon laying out hues of bleak golden, florid orange, lurid yellow on the pastel blue sky. I knew it. I knew today wasn't going to be easy, nor were any upcoming days going to be. Ever thought which one could be the most cliched quotes about mornings? For me it's - "Every new day comes with new opportunities". But this time it felt as if instead of giving new opportunities or chances it was taking away all that I had till yesterday. I sat in the corner of my room on the floor with the gate opened towards the porch. My father's head on my left thigh as he lay wide awake. Both of our body numb. It felt as if all the water from my body was sucked and nothing left for me to let out as tears. He had managed to stay in this position without even blinking for a second since yesterday.
There were so many people around all of them weeping, it felt so disgusting. The reaction was secondary I didn't even know what to think about. Everybody around me was going on and on weeping. But one body out of all those who were in pain lay all calm and serene. Without any expression, without any tension or grief. Its soul didn't seem to belong where we all were at this particular time, in this world. It seemed as if it was light years ahead of us. In a much more calming or soothing place. I knew it was tough but I wasn't ready for any of it. But if we would have ever had any options of choosing what we were ready for, the cliché for 'nobody's perfect' might have never existed. All of us are running but there's no certainty of us reaching our destination or probably sometimes we don't have a destination, just some pre-set rules for existing which make us run and run all lives.
Things were so different that it took away my power to judge or think or interpret or accept the situation. I was doing nothing but what I was being asked to.
'Get up Nandini, we need to prepare for today's ceremonies. The time is less and we have to be quick, you need to be strong.' Said my aunt while standing right next to me. I mean is there any moment when we are told that cherish the time, observe it, rather we are told every time that you don't have time. I mean like seriously? Whom are proving and what are we proving while running and chasing things which we aren’t even sure about achieving. At this time I'm being told there's no time left well when there was and I wanted it to be of quality, at that time also I was told that there's no time left. Most of the time all we do is a plan for the future which probably means most of the time we with our own bare hands spoil the present and then complain there’s no time left. 'Life's very tough without a mother. But I know you're very brave.' my aunt continued. These were the lines I was sick of listening to already since yesterday and I had to take it for all of my life! I mean can somebody please ask me to loosen up myself and not be brave for a second which probably would give me strength. I know there is no way out, I know it is going to be tough but I don't feel like listening to the same thing again and again. Instead of helping it was just making it much more difficult for me to judge or think or interpret or accept the situation.
But that's all about this harsh reality called life is, YOU CAN'T ESCAPE.
It was in no time when everybody stood together outside our home, in the parking area and you could see a sea of white clothes all around garnished with sad caricature faces. And there stood my father as a part of them right in the centre front. With no sense of his surroundings obediently doing whatever he was being asked to. He stood with one side of bier's wood on his right shoulder, which was soon to be burnt by him. His clothes hanging on him, his eyes sunken in and wrinkles drew all over. He looked much smaller while standing there with no strength, his legs shaking as if they would break down in several pieces and torso will fall on to the ground in a split of a second, BANG!
Everything seemed as if it was dissolving, vanishing and the same will go on happening and till the time I'll grab the potential to comprehend it. It'll be long gone.
I knew I'll have to drop all of my dreams, the university plans, the scholarships & freelancing; everything had collapsed. Unlike everybody even I have spent most of 17 years of my life planning and working on my future. But now, I had no idea about what it was going to be like. I had no option but to stay back with my father and look after him. There was nothing that could stop me from sticking to that decision, because if I leave too there'll be nobody left with him."
"Nandini just go and open the door, can't you hear the doorbell or what! For once look beyond your laptop and phone, and take that headphone of your head! There's a whole new world you'll fathom beyond those things!" howled Mithila at an alarmingly loud pitch. Which led to a sequence of coughing for the next few minutes for her. Whilst pulling out Nandini out her imaginary world. "I know there's a world beyond my laptop also okay! I was writing an important blog, I heard the doorbell and I am going.” Nandini replied back. She opened the door took the parcel full of painkillers and medications from the delivery boy and took those to her mother's room. She carefully placed all of those at Mithila's bedside, rubbed her back, gave her the medications, and sat on the bed next to her. "I hope you get well soon," she said in a soft voice to her mother. But in return she heard the same monotonous answer just like everyday "I won't live long, there’s no way I’ll get any better you must stay strong and take good care of your father when I'm not around. I know you're trying hard for a scholarship, for your future, I know you'll achieve it. But it might not be possible for you in the long run to live your dream and you might have to compromise it. I'm sorry, it is all because of me." Without any reaction after her mother had completed her usual dialogue, she decided to leave the room. Highly pissed off already she replied while pausing near the door, "I don't have time for all of this in my head & I've told this to you a hundred times!"
Nandini went back to her room, sat on her bed with her laptop on her laps and her headphones back on. Continuing to work, while proof-reading her blog, to catch up from where she left and to check if there were any errors - "As the sun began to rise I felt cold and pale…"
-Charvi Mehta